A mother's Diary

This is MY accounting (as Lauren's mother) of what happened to all our lives after Lauren's diagnosis and first surgery.

5/3/02
My/Our lives are returning somewhat to normal now. My daughter was (at my insistence) released from the hospital yesterday (Thursday) and allowed to come home and rest up. She will be readmitted back into the hospital on Monday for more and more tests, they will do yet another small surgery on her to insert the catheter into her chest/heart/neck for the chemotherapy treatments to begin on Tuesday. If all goes well, she will be coming home again on Wednesday, side effects and all for her and our family to deal with.

While we were driving home from the hospital, just her and I, she asked exactly WHAT was going on with her. As I drove (and tried so hard to keep from tearing up) and tried to explain what was happening in her life, she cried.
After it began to sink in a bit, she seems to be coming to terms with this horrid disease. We are going up to the school later today so she can clean out her lockers, and see a few of her friends and tell them whatever it is she wants them to know. She will miss the remaining few weeks of school (that makes her 14 yr old brother jealous). And the chemo will be ongoing for about a year. She will receive chemo treatments every 3 weeks from this point forward – providing there are no complications in between (and complications are inevitable according to the doctors, but to what extreme is anyone’s guess), and in 6 weeks or so, she will begin radiation treatments along with the chemo for 6 weeks (I think they said)

It’s so strange how things can change in just a blink of an eye. 10 days ago, my biggest concern was my husband’s upcoming court date and the greedy woman who demands more and more money from our family, and now, all that seems so darn unimportant.

Thank you all for your kind, thoughtful words of encouragement, and for your ongoing prayers! It has made a huge difference in our lives.

If someone had asked me a month ago (before any of this started) if I could handle something like this, I KNOW my answer would have been no. I don’t know how I’ve managed up to this point (I’m not good in a crisis), but somehow I have found the strength.

6/10/02
Well… here’s the latest on Lauren. I wish I could tell you that she’s doing great, or terrific, or wonderful… but she’s not.

I’ll start with the bad news:
She has had 2 chemo treatments, and other one scheduled for next Tuesday. Every single side effect that comes with chemo, she got. The poor thing has had mouth sores, a swollen tongue, hair loss, (lots of hair loss), nausea, loss of appetite, and her blood count has landed her back into the hospital more than she has been out. As a matter of fact, she’s in the hospital right now, and will be for a few more days, then it’s back for more chemo. I don’t know if they will even let her out before her next treatment.
She has lost… 14 pounds in less than 6 weeks (she lost 4 pounds in 4 days this past week) which is what helped land her in the hospital. The doctors decided to hospitalize her when her tongue was so swollen she couldn’t swallow, even liquids… then when they weighed her and realized she lost 4 pounds in 4 days… well, that clinched it. Plus, on top of all the rest of the crapola that she is going thru, she has a yeast infection, along with a bladder infection. And she is extremely depressed. And she is hooked up to a feeding tube. And she has had a blood transfusion.

Now for the good news:
She got to be home to celebrate her 13th birthday. The rest of the little people went to their dads for that weekend, but she stayed home, and had her bestest of best friend stay over. The girls ate like the piglets they were… chips, cookies, ice cream, sub’s, candy, etc… and the Cancer Center sponsors a Carnival that the cancer kids (and their families) got to attend before it opened to the public… so they had 2 hours of rides, plus pizza, pop, cotton candy, candy apples… and every child went home with a stuffed animal. She had a great time (altho it did wear her out).

I mentioned the hair loss… poor Lauren was devastated by the hair loss… so her grandma and I went and got her a wig. It looks really cute on her… altho, now that it’s hot outside, she probably won’t wear it much right now. She is coming to terms with the loss of her hair, and is even going without scarves or hats sometimes. Her way of thinking… “let people stare.. their opinions of me don’t matter anyway!”
The doctors will be prescribing an anti-depressive medicine… hopefully that will help with her mood swings, and sadness. And she is talking to a shrink (at least while she is in the hospital) to see if he can help her with some of her anger (she has every right to be angry… but it IS getting out of hand).
She was going to be on shots daily to help control her blood count, but called me all excited this afternoon to tell me her count was back to normal, and the shots will be discontinued (for a while at least).
She may get to come home soon (she hopes)… but will still possibly be hooked up to the feeding IV… (oh goodie… something new for me to learn).

When people ask me how we are holding up… I just tell them – “I haven’t killed anyone - YET, but the day is still young”. We are still having problems with Oklahoma's Child Support Enforcement Agency getting their crap together correctly… and the constant threats of “penalties” if my husband doesn’t pay up (morons… he IS paid up). His daughter still is ignoring us all… not even to send a card or a phone call to say ANYTHING! (that pisses me off more than it does him). My ex is still pretending to be “father of the year”… another thing that has me pissed off… so I guess it’s a good thing that people are staying out of my way right now.

On the plus side… there will be no visit from the Oklahoma princess this summer… now that she has a career and all… no sleep lost over that!!!!

That’s about it… I’ll update again when something else happens.

7/11/02
Here is the latest on my daughter… I have waited to post anything regarding her because things were NOT good.

A little more than 3 weeks ago, Lauren was re-admitted to the hospital for yet another chemo treatment… she still has not come home.

Prior to that admission, she had come home on the Friday before, and was re-admitted the following Tuesday. During this admission, she had a very low white blood cell count, a slight fever, she was dehydrating, she had developed mouth sores (which is why she was dehydrated), plus (as if that wasn’t enough) she also had a yeast infection (her first). She was miserable. However they kept her about 10 days or so… brought her white cells back up, cleared up the yeast infection, the mouth sores went away… but they discovered that she had high blood pressure, that would require medication (temporarily they said), and when she came back for her next chemo treatment, she would undergo a “procedure” to check out the high blood pressure.

The doctors (residents) also screwed up her pain medication prescription, so she spent the weekend in pain (some extreme, some not so extreme)… AND… her voice was nothing more than a whisper, plus her legs were very very weak, to the point that she could barely support her own weight on them… oh, yeah, I almost forgot … she was also put on a feeding apparatus (for those who are medically knowledgeable… a TPN which we were trained in hooking up and disconnecting.

Fast forward 4 days… she is re-admitted back into the hospital for this “procedure” and the next chemo (this was just over 3 weeks ago). She is taken to the x-ray area, told to change into the gown, then LEFT sitting in a wheelchair for the next hour, in tears, in pain, and I was totally worthless. I had to stay with her so she wouldn’t fall out of the wheelchair, and FINALLY another patient went and found someone who brought her a gurney to lay on. That would have been nice, except she was then left in the hall for anyone and everyone who walked by her to glance or stare in her direction, making her extremely self-conscious (loss of hair will do that). I was having a fit.
Finally, they came and got her for her “procedure” and the doctor brings me in the release to sign, and I asked him what he had planned to do. His answer to me was ~ “I explained all this to your husband last week” ~ EXCUSE ME????? He had explained it to Lauren’s father, who in turn said he would be sure that I got the info… yeah, right! I went ballistic. He’s explaining it to me now… and shoving the release into my hands to sign. Nope… I went out to smoke, to call home to let my hubby know that I would be there a bit longer (she was scheduled for 8:30am… it was now almost 11… and they were saying another hour????).
Well… my wonderful hubby, upon hearing his wife in tears came tearing up to the hospital to rip into some doctors, staff, whoever got in his way.
Anyway… we authorized the procedure (they thought that perhaps her high blood pressure was caused by a narrowing of the artery going to her kidneys… turned out that isn’t the cause). Afterwards she was sent to the pediatric floor for her chemo.

Unfortunately for her cancer doctor, he was there too. He caught an earful from one mad and angry mommy. He’s telling me that she would be home in a couple of days ~ WRONG! I told him… when I brought her to you, she could walk, she could talk, she had leg pain. Now she can no longer walk, she has no voice left, and her pain has increased. I gave him 2 choices. Fix my daughter, or let me take her home to die. You have never seen anyone trip over themselves to accommodate this angry mother!
They ordered PT for her, they gave her morphine for her pain, they contacted an Ear/Nose/Throat doctor to examine her (good news… no damage to her vocal cords, they thought perhaps they were paralyzed) and ordered speech therapy to strengthen her voice.

Fast forward to July 4th. She was extremely depressed… so they let her go home for the day. It was a nightmare! The first thing she did, as soon as she stepped out of the car was fall. She was in pain all day. She threw up any food that she tried to eat. She couldn’t wait to go back to the hospital (she had to go to the bathroom, and was so weak, it took me and my hubby to help her to the potty)

Tuesday, July 9th, she was scheduled for yet another chemo treatment (she was still in the hospital)… she refused chemo. She refused to take any more meds. She was just being a hellion. The resident was telling her she was going to be released the next day, and Lauren was livid! The doctor called me and requested my presence ~ FOOL! Hubby and I went up to the hospital.. talked to Lauren then went looking for the doctor who drew the short straw (there are 3 in the practice).
He said “we will postpone her chemo treatment for a week, give her time to re-coup, let her go home for a couple days”
We (ok, hubby, cuz I was so angry, I was in tears) jumped all over him. Told him we were told that Lauren would have 3 chemo treatments, then a CTscan to see if the chemo was being effective. He (Doc) says he wanted to do a couple more chemo, then the CTscan. Hubby says NO WAY. Doc argued, Hubby argued back. Finally I composed myself enough and told him flat out… CTscan before any more chemo. Doctor finally agreed.

We got the results back today.

Lauren has neurofibroma (which are (for lack of a better word) tumors that are usually non-malignant) growing on her lungs. There are 2 of them. They have neither shrunk nor have they grown. The doctors are not sure if it’s due to the chemo, or if MAYBE these are non-malignant.
They are going to discontinue the chemo at this time (for a minimum of 30 days). They want her to come home, regain her strength, regain a portion of her teenage year, and then do another CTscan to see if they have grown or remained the same.

Sounds good right?

The next question I asked… “what about the tumor they removed from her leg/abdomen area that WAS malignant??? (the surgeon says they removed 95% of it).
The silence around the table was deafening. It seems they didn’t check to see if it had worked there or not ~ BUT they will know by the next appointment she has.

So… she is coming home tomorrow. She will still be seen by the cancer doctors once a week (for weight, blood work, etc), she will still be on the TPN until she can hold down food. But she has been given a reprieve on any more chemo for a while. They are not going to do radiation either until she is healthy enough to withstand it.

The doctor is saying to enroll her back into school, and to get her life back to normal.

Always never sure… is this good news or not so good news? I have mixed emotions. But I think that during this time off of the chemo, I’m going to get a second opinion. I’m not sure where yet, but that’s my game plan.

Another plus to her coming home… she will not have the “poor me” attitude thrust upon her by her dad, cuz she won’t be able to go visit until she is able to walk up and down his steps (and he has a lot of them).

Basically… that’s it! Thank you all for keeping Lauren in your thoughts and prayers and for any of the cards that have been sent to her!!! You are all my angels!!!!

8/6/02
As most of you know my 13 yr old daughter, Lauren, is battling cancer. She’s been in and out (mostly in) the hospital since April of this year. She has had surgery and chemo. She has had every single side effect that chemo gives, and has gone from a healthy robust child to a shadow of her former self.
The original surgery that she had removed a “huge” mass from her abdomen. The doctors/surgeons told us at that time that they had removed 95% of the tumor, however they felt that chemo would take care of the rest, because if they had removed anymore, chances are she would have lost the use of her right leg (maybe the whole right side of her body).

Yesterday (Monday) we met with the doctors. The chemo did not work. The mass has returned.
They are recommending yet another surgery (more aggressive, and it will probably damage the whole right side of her body). And of course, there are no guarantee’s. Basically, my child has been given a death sentence.

For you local ladies who are familiar with the area – she is in Beaumont, Royal Oak. I have requested a second opinion…the doctors are arranging for it at U of M, Ann Arbor.

8/14/02
Well… we got our second opinion on Lauren. The news is still not good. However… the doctor that we met with at U of M hospital was wonderful. He put Lauren at ease immediately with his “bedside” manner. He did a quick exam.. asked her some questions… then spoke to us (minus Lauren) in another room.
He has a different thought on what her treatment should be. The hospital she is at is pushing (hard) for surgery, he’s not recommending it. At least not at this time. He answered all our questions without hesitation, and there was no “I don’t know” answers (that we are so used to hearing all the time). He even answered the hard question “Is Lauren going to die?” honestly. His answer broke my heart.

We are seriously considering moving her care to this hospital. However, there are downsides to this too. The first one being… she will be far away from home. I won’t be 15 minutes away anymore, and will be unable to visit with her daily like I am now. (She will then be about an hour away – if traffic is light)
She is not pleased with the idea of going somewhere else (understandable, since the staff there KNOWS her so well, considering she’s been there more than she’s been home – tomorrow (Thursday) will be 4 weeks. :sigh:) Altho, this may be the only downside to the whole thing.

I have debated this in my mind over and over since we spoke to the doctor, and have not decided completely if I want her moved or not… but I’m almost 95% sure that this is the route to go for her. We plan on seeking out HER doctor in the morning and having another sit down … hubby will do all the talking… I’ll just nod in agreement and sign whatever needs to be signed.

We are still looking for that miracle for Lauren… this may be the closest thing we’ll have to it!

Lauren moves to another hospital 8/16/02

After much soul searching and a lot of tears, we made the decision to move Lauren to the Children’s Hospital. She made the move today (Friday). It was an all day affair. I picked her up from the hospital (along with all her junk she had accumulated from being there for 4 long weeks with no sign of improvement), ran by the house, dropped off the junk, picked up hubby and baby, and made the long trip to Ann Arbor, where she was admitted. I would say the transition when smoothly… altho there were many tears … she HATED saying goodbye to her nurses. I hated to watch her say goodbye.
We spent the day with her… into the late hours of the evening… then the baby got extra cranky and we HAD to leave. She was sad to see us go… said she was scared… since it was the first night in a different place… but she was resting comfortably. She had met her nurse, the doctors, and seemed somewhat at ease (surrounded by her stuffed animals). We told her we’d be back tomorrow… and explore the hospital a bit (altho we had already been exploring… got lost looking for a place to have a quick smoke). She was happy with that thought.

So she has moved to her new home away from home. Hopefully they will be able to help her.

8/25/02
I’ve kinda put off posting any kind of an update on Lauren, cuz the news is not good (even with the move to the new hospital)… but here’s whats what on Lauren.

This is the good news - As most of you know, she changed hospitals a little over a week ago… and it was the best and smartest decision I have ever made. It’s amazing what a competent doctor ~ who is familiar with this type of cancer she has ~ can do.
One of the first things the doctor did was pump her full of potassium… since her potassium levels were way down (not even 24 hours after the move they had discovered this).
A pain management team was brought in, and her meds were changed… she’s not so full of morphine that she’s a zombie anymore.
She’s had a blood transfusion (one of many, but the first one here)… because the staff picked up on the fact that she was lethargic and tired.. so they did a blood test and found her hemoglobin was low. (and she seemed to perk right up)
The color has returned to her face. If you didn’t know how sickly she was, you’d not know it to look at her… this is the first time since this has begun that she wasn’t pale.
Her hair IS finally coming back in (she looks sorta GI Jane-ish… I think it’s cute)
She has been out of bed more often here than she ever was in the other hospital (they encourage her to get out of her room… explore the hospital, and the grounds… we got her outside today for some sunshine for a while)
She’s asking for solid foods (meaning FAST FOOD)(altho she’s unable to really eat a lot… ok, she MAY take a bite or two… nothing more… but then it’s been about 6 weeks since she’s had any solids in her system)
The doctors and nurses have been wonderful, they have kept us all (me, hubby, Lauren) informed every step of the way on what they are doing, or planning on doing… no more “mysterious” tests… we KNOW why they are doing what they are doing for a change. And the doctors always seem to have time for us when we have questions.
Her voice has improved somewhat (she’s easier to understand)… the doctors picked up on her voice almost immediately upon meeting her (that it didn’t sound right… it’s being corrected slowly).
Her fevers are under control (she has had fevers for I don’t know how long… months)

Now the bad news – she begins radiation tomorrow… which means I’ll be schlepping out to the hospital daily for approx. 6 weeks (providing it is effective… they’ll know after about 3 weeks)
The doctor has explained the whole thing to Lauren, including the fact that her prognosis is not good (she has a 12% chance of making it past 10 yrs – an 88% chance of obviously not) – so it’s not completely hopeless… and miracles do happen – so we’re still hoping and praying for one.
She cried when she was told… but he (the doctor) spoke to her in a calm and soothing manner, and spoke to her on her level. She now understands WHY the move to the new hospital was so important.
She is still unable to walk, but the doctors are optimistic that as soon as they begin to shrink this tumor, it will relieve some of her pain, and she’ll be able to move easier (without pain) and by doing normal activities, the strength in her legs will slowly return.

She is scheduled for release tomorrow (Monday), and will be doing her radiation treatments as an outpatient (every day).

So… that’s about it… she’s already asking me if she can go back to school shopping as soon as she is able to walk… so she has a positive outlook… and that will play a big part in her recovery.

If you can… please continue praying for her… she has a very long way to go

Good News about Lauren … 9/04/02

Lauren came home about 10 days ago (Monday 8/26) after spending just over a week at the children’s hospital. (this is the longest she’s been home since this whole ordeal began in April)
The difference in her is astounding.

I’m making the drive daily (5 days a week, 100 miles each day round trip)… I’ve discovered that there is a lot of traffic at 6:30 in the morning, even more between 7:00am and 9:00am (I don’t understand why it’s called rush hour when no one rushes )

The day we brought her home, it took 2 of us (me and hubby) to get her into the house, cuz her legs were so weak after weeks of laying in a hospital bed. It also took us about 10 minutes to get about 15 feet. She was scared of being home… afraid she would get sick and land back into the hospital, and come out worse (again) than she was now/then. Everyone (all the kidlets and us) is happy to have her home again.

The first day was rough for her… she was like a kitten… barely able to hold her weight on her legs, and for her to move the walker was a chore in itself (no upper body strength either). Her first “walk” to the bathroom was a slow go… actually was a no go… she chose to crawl to the bathroom (afraid she would fall) so I cleared her a path (meaning I moved kids and toys out of her way) and she crawled there. She decided it hurt her bony knees, so she used her walker to get back to the couch. That night, she slept in her own bed (first time in ~ gosh…. so long… 6 weeks).
The next day, hubby and I helped her to the car, and we departed to the hospital for radiation (which was/is a hissy fit in itself). The radiation made her sick
The next day was better, the day after that, better still… and each day is an improvement.

She is still using her walker, but for walks thru the house, she holds on to my hands, and walks on her own.

She was also given pain meds (take as needed)... the good news is... she rarely needs it, so rarely takes it

It’s too early to tell if the radiation is working or not… she has 4 more weeks to go before we know anything…

BUT… (and this may be wishful/hopeful thinking on my part)… we were told that she would begin to feel some relief from her pain IF the radiation was being effective within a few days. Her right side is where the tumor is, and her right leg has been extra sensitive to the touch. The other day, without thinking I leaned on her leg while I was talking to her and hooking up her feeding bag (TPN) and she never even winced in pain. I don’t think she even realized it until I put more weight on it getting up (heck, I’d wince if my weight was put on my leg like that)…. so I’m hopeful that the radiation is shrinking the tumor.

Her prognosis hasn’t changed… but I’m hoping (I spend a lot of time hoping, wishing and praying) that she will be in that 12% that survives.

Thank you all for keeping her in your thoughts and prayers, and I’m asking that you continue to do so if you can … she still needs that miracle… but looking at her right now, you’d never know she is as sick as she is.

What’s new with Lauren … 9/25/02

It’s been almost a month since I last updated you on Lauren’s condition – I can’t believe how time has flown by

She began her radiation back in August, and it just ended. She was scheduled for radiation yesterday (Tuesday) but her radiation doctor felt that Lauren’s blood count had dropped and she couldn’t see subjecting her to another session, when there was only the one left. Lauren and I were both really excited because we thought No more 100 mile commutes … that excitement lasted for approx. 30 minutes, when the doctor called back and wanted Lauren to come in for a blood transfusion (second transfusion in a weeks time)… soooo… we spent the day at the hospital yesterday -

Here is what I know… which isn’t a whole lot – The radiation doctor is please with what she has seen on Lauren’s x-rays (really what she hasn’t seen)… there appears to be “space/air” where before there wasn’t… which leads her to believe that the radiation worked! To what extent, we still don’t know.

She saw her cancer doctor both last week and yesterday (while she was having blood transfused), and he did a quick exam both days. The first time he felt her belly, and got really really excited – I’ve never seen a doctor get so excited… he tells me “come feel her tummy, it’s soft”… I must have given him a strange look, cuz he tells me that the last time he felt it (prior to her release from the hospital) it was still hard… well, since I hadn’t felt the “hard”, I wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference, but Lauren could… he was so excited, he had the nurses come in and feel her belly … they too were really excited.

Yesterday, she was complaining of pain in her chest, so he did another quick exam, and was excited because her leg (which was so sensitive) prior to the radiation was not as sensitive as before… he was pulling and tugging on her leg, and not once did she wince in pain… she did when he repeated the process on her other leg, but he was encouraged by that too, cuz it meant that she was “working” those legs more

She is going to have an MRI (as soon as it’s scheduled) and will meet with her doctor October 8th for whatever he plans to do next. She may need yet another transfusion (they radiated into her bone marrow, causing her blood counts to drop because the tumor was so close –if not entwined- into her spine )

I’ll know more when she has her actual appointment with the doctor.

Please, if you can, remember Lauren in your thoughts and prayers… she still needs them, and still has a long way to go!

Watching things crumble around me 09/27/02

I have decided that I'm entitled to a b*tch and moan session. I've held it together for months. I can't hold it together any longer.

A little background (for those who don't know) - my husband lost his job way back in January... My 13 yr old daughter was diagnosed with cancer in April (her prognosis - a 12% chance of survival of 10 yrs)... she has been in the hospital more than out, and all her medical options have been exhausted. I've made 100 mile round trips to the hospital for the past 6 weeks for her treatment.
Last Friday, my 14 yr old son broke his two front teeth while "visiting" with "dad", and of course, like expected, dad didn't have them fixed.

I had reached the end of my rope a while back, tied a knot, and hung on... but that knot didn't hold... and everything is crumbling around me.

Our savings are gone (medical bills).
The weather has turned cold, and we fired up the furnace, and it didn't work. So we have to have it repaired (if it can be repaired... it's old) or replaced.
My 14 yr old needs his teeth fixed, since "dad" didn't do it, and he has no dental insurance.
My 11 yr old has a school camping trip coming up, and that too is a hefty chunk of change that we're trying to scrape together.
My 9 yr old broke her glasses (at dad’s) and needs them replace (no optical insurance either)
My 1 yr old needs to get her baby shots.
My 13 yr old (Lauren) is going to require another blood transfusion.
My husband's car is sitting DOA in the driveway. He doesn't want to sink another penny into it, just to have something else go wrong.
My car needs work, since I've put so many miles on it in the last few weeks. And I've had to fill up ever other day to make those daily treks for Lauren's radiation treatments. (I wish gas was cheaper, like it was when I first started driving many years ago)
My husband's unemployment ran out Wednesday.
I can't get re-imbursed for Lauren's medical bills from "dad" cuz he won't pay it (been to court already, will be going back again). "Dad" has not paid child support regularly for more than a year (not that it matters really, the amount is so minimal)
My hubby has been taken to court (out of state) cuz his greedy ex wants more (I guess career girls career doesn't pay enough), on more than one occasion (yet, hubby has never missed a CS payment)
My poor house needs a new sewer line put in. And plumbing companies don't finance, we can't get a bank loan cuz of hubby's unemployment,(and we can't borrow against the house) and I can't work, cuz of Lauren's medical condition.

I'm watching my 13 yr old daughter waste away before my very eyes - every parent's nightmare - knowing that her medical options have been exhausted, and not being able to do anything to ease her pain or torment that this stupid cancer has caused her.

I have been running on pure adrenaline since Lauren's diagnosis, because I haven't had time to think, or do anything else for that matter.
My husband (who has been a rock thru this whole ordeal) has health problems (no insurance), and we have to pay his monthly presciption costs.
I've lost weight (altho that's not a bad thing), and my health is suffering because I've been "doing" and not been able to take time for myself. (Still can't take time for ME... to many responsibilites with having a very ill child)
My 14 yr old has the typical teenster attitude... and thinks his "dad" can walk on water. (When reality slaps him in the face, I'm afraid he'll crash and burn)

So today (maybe I'll even carry it thru the weekend) I'm tossing myself a pity party. You're all invited! I'm gonna take some time (I'll squeeze it in somewhere) to feel sorry for myself. I'm going to b*tch and moan to anyone that will listen.
I'm gonna have a good cry and get it out of my system, then regroup, and refocus my energies.
My husband is going to go out and collect cans if he has to so we can have heat. We are going to carry on the best that we can. We depend on each other, and the kids depend on us!

So come to my pity party, but BYOB!

Lauren on TV 10/09/02

I thought I should title this Guess who made the news? but figured people would have thought that I finally snapped and they would see me being led away in handcuffs

Channel 62 (CBS in Detroit) is coming to my house today to interview Lauren.

It seems that Lauren's plight has touched the hearts and minds of the CBS affiliate in Oklahoma City who are planning a big news story about Lauren and her illness, and how strangers have reached out and sent cards and things to her. OKC has contacted Detroit to get them on the ball to conduct this interview (they've only been calling for a week, and I keep putting them off, cuz she's been sick).

Good thing I just cleaned my carpet ... I wonder if they'll let me spout off about how the court system has screwed with our family (both in OK and MI), or about how career girl has been so involved with her career she hasn't contacted us in over a year... or what a b*tch HIS welfare-cheating ex is... or... or...

But anyway... Lauren is gonna be on TV

UPDATE: LAUREN ON THE NEWS 10/09/02

OMG... they just finished the interview... it will air TONIGHT!!!! Locally it will be channel 50 (ten o'clock news) AND channel 62 (11 o'clock news)

Supposedly it will air from OKC tonight too - CBS affilliate KWTV-9

Anyone who happens to watch, remember, the camera adds more than 50 pounds to my weight

Lauren's interview (or... now she is a star!) 10/10/02

Ok, for those of you asking what happened with Lauren's interview, and what it was all about it... here's the scoop.

My MIL started this "card campaign" in her small town in Oklahoma (to send cards to Lauren to keep her spirits up while she is battling the cancer)... it hit the little local papers, and spread throughout SW Oklahoma... eventually catching the attention of someone at the CBS affiliate in OKC. Anyway, this guy went out to my MIL's house and did an in-depth interview with her and the local postmaster (who was helping spread the word). It was like a 2 hour interview.

OKC then contacted me and asked if they could run the story (you would think they would have asked first, but ... ) and of course, I said "sure". (it's gonna be in OK, so what do I care?). They asked if it would be alright to interview Lauren... that I wasn't to sure of, so I asked Lauren, she got all excited ... so how could I say no?

Sooo... OKC contacted the Detroit affiliate who came to the house and did the interview (which aired Wednesday night)... they were here for approx. 90 minutes... they chattered with Lauren, asked me a few questions... (I cried), talked to hubby a bit (he got a bit teary-eyed too).

Detroit condensed the story to about 90 seconds. They sent a copy of the interview to the station in OKC, who will be putting together another story that will air sometime next week (for those who are interested, I can post when it will run IF I find out when prior)
According to my MIL, it will be more than a 90 second story.

Basically, the Detroit story was about Lauren battling cancer, and how her story has touched so many people that have never met her, yet have taken the time to send her cards and well wishes, and whatever.

I have checked the 2 local station's websites to see if they had a link to the story ~ they don't.
I *DID* videotape it. My dear sweet hubby says that he will get whatever he needs for my computer so that he can transfer it to whatever format it needs to be transfered to and upload it to his website so anyone who wanted to see it can (can you tell I'm not a computer geek?)

I went and saw Lauren 10/14/02

Lauren is back in the hospital ... anyway... I went to see her on Saturday and took the boys. Teenboy had "borrowed" her CD player and was enjoying the music while visiting with her... and she made the comment of why he had her CD player...

Lauren: is that MY CD player?
Teenboy: Can I borrow it?
Lauren: Doesn't matter now... you already have it.
Teenboy: Thanks
Lauren: What CD are you listening to?
Teenboy: Now 8
Lauren: <roll eyes>
ME: Lauren, since your CD player is here, with your CD in it, would you like to keep it here at the hospital with you?
Teenboy: Not a good idea, it would get stolen
Lauren: No it wouldn't
Teenboy: Yes, it would
Lauren: NO... it wouldn't
Teenboy: YES... it might
Lauren: NO IT WOULDN'T
Teenboy: How do you know?
Lauren: Cuz dad isn't coming to visit me! (in reference to when her dad helped himself to her money while she was in the hospital prior)
ME: <stifling a giggle>
Teenboy: Dad wouldn't steal it
Lauren: Yes Teenboy, he stole $20 from me when I was in the hosptial before - her replaced it, but he still stole it
Teenboy: *mumbles under breath* maybe that's where MY money goes when I'm visiting*
Me: <turning head so as not to laugh out loud>

Lauren is having surgery tomorrow 10/16/02

I just got the call from the hospital... they are going to do surgery on Lauren sometime tomorrow to remove her MediPort (which was surgically implanted for her Chemo treatments). Seems the bugger is causing her an infection that they can't clear with just plain antibiotics.

She's scared, and nervous , and not at all a happy camper.

Please send Lauren good vibes and prayers. She sure needs them!

It seems like Lauren is taking the scenic route thru hell! I wish she could come to the exit soon... she sure doesn't deserve what's been thrust upon her at such a young age

Update to Lauren's surgery 10/17/02

First of all, thank you all for your overwhelming response to the other post regarding her surgery. The good thoughts, prayers and good vibes came thru for her today.

Her surgery went great! It was a little more than an hour from the time they wheeled her into surgery to the time they were taking her back to her room. She was awake, alert, and not complaining about the pain.
Her doctor is very optimistic that this removal of her MediPort will clear the infection, and she SHOULD be able to come home tomorrow (Friday) (I won't know for certain until morning)

Here is some good news about Lauren (since I seem to only post not so good news)... Her blood counts are going up up up all by their little lonesome!
As a matter of fact, since she was admitted almost a week ago (and they've done blood cultures daily) he numbers have been steadily improving.
They are going to give her one more blood transfusion tonight to give her ~ what the doctor calls ~ a "kick-start" before she goes home.

Next week we find out the results of her MRI and what her future holds

Lauren is home!!! 10/18/02

Hubby and I went to the hospital today to pick up Lauren, and the doctor tells us that it would be hours before she is released... hours... he wasn't kidding ... so due to time constraints, I took hubby home and made a second trip back to the hospital (1 hour each way) just to find out that Lauren MIGHT NOT be released afterall

Seems that the girl couldn't do a PICC line, and the doc's are concerned she might dehydrate over the weekend... Lauren PROMISED to drink, so after many tears and promises, he gave her his big OkieDokie... and she got to come home.

She'll be spending the next couple of days opening all the mail (cards) that resulted from her TV interview.

Back to the doctor's on Tuesday. Praying that they give us some POSITIVE news.

A Lauren on TV update 10/22/02

She's been on the news in Detroit ...

Well, tonight she makes her debut in Oklahoma.

This is the info I have:

KWTV-9 @ 10:00pm (tonight) and Wednesday (same station) at 4:30pm.
It is my understanding that this segment will run anywhere from 90 seconds to 3 minutes (a rarity in news broadcasts)

It is broadcast out of Oklahoma City

Set your VCR's (and if someone does get it recorded, will you please send me a copy? Since I'm not in Oklahoma)

OMG - The Oprah Show just called me 10/30/02

I still can't believe it! The Oprah Show just called They are planning to come to my house this Sunday to interview Lauren! OMG

I'm in shock 10/30/02

I just can NOT believe it! I don't even watch Oprah!!! (guess I should start before Sunday huh?)

It's gonna be a suprise for Lauren... they don't want me to tell her about it until they are absolutely positive they will be here... so she isn't disappointed!

OMG...

*note to self... remember to comb hair

Arrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 10/30/02

I get all excited maybe for nothing!

The Oprah Show just called me back (at 9:00pm)... seems because I have JOINT LEGAL CUSTODY they might need to get dad to sign off on letting them record Lauren.

And since dad doesn't have a stupid phone (ya gotta pay your phone bill to have a phone)... they may NOT be able to get ahold of him.

Soooooooooo....... I had to fax them my divorce papers to see if whatever custody I have is enough for them

Every time something good happens for Lauren, he has to screw it up just by existing!

Maybe our next TV appearance will be on the Jerry Springer show

Oprah & Lauren - OMG - update 11/01/02

Well it's a go. Lauren WILL be interviewed for the Oprah Show

Not this Sunday, but NEXT Sunday some people from the Oprah Show will come to my house and interview Lauren!

That gives me a week to clean my house

First Oprah, then George Bush (and the Mrs) and Dick Cheney send her letters, and now Oprah again... my daughter is becoming a star

I feel like I've hit a brick wall - long 11/05/02

And I don't know what to do

My ex is a jerk... common knowledge here, right?

My kids came home from a weekend visit with dad. First words out of my teenster's mouth... he needs to wash his clothes, cuz dad's hot water tank is broken (has been for a few weeks) so he couldn't wash his clothes. Not a problem, our hot water tank works fine...

My 9 yr old strolls in, flipping her hair ... I asked her who cut her hair... her reply... NO ONE, it's not cut! See? It's just curled... looks cut to me, but maybe it IS just curled

Hubby and I go into the kitchen... he hears the teenboy and the 11 yr old talking to Lauren.. he only catches a few words here and there (probably cuz I was yakking to him). I mosey out into the living room to grab my smokes, and as I walk by Lauren, she's sobbing .
Figuring that one of my boys had done something to upset her, I ask her what they did. She starts crying even harder. Now I'm getting angry at my boys.
She manages to sob out one word - DAD
Ok, so what did dad do to make her cry? He told the boys, who in turn couldn't wait to tell Lauren, that he was packing up all her stuff, and either throwing it away or giving it away because she won't come and visit with him

Ok, so now I'm really PO'd at dad, but keep my cool, and ask Lauren what she wants to do about all this. She cries even harder, sobbing that he is a selfish S.O.B. and if he had a phone, she'd call him and give him a piece of her mind. So I tell her to send him an email and tell him what she wants to tell him (which she does, and it's not pretty)

Then teenboy starts in on how I'm always taking dad to court, how I am bleeding him dry (I'm soooo sick of hearing this)... and how he can't get his teeth fixed, cuz dad has to pay ME all this money (that I don't need) or he'll go to jail! How does know all this? Cuz his dad showed him the court papers where he has a bench warrant out for him for non payment of his half of Lauren's medical bills (mind you I paid these in August...this is now November... he has had copies since August and hasn't paid a dime towards them) but I'm the bad guy here! I told that it really was NONE OF HIS BUSINESS, and that I refuse to discuss his father's shortcomings with him!

Yesterday (Monday) when my 9 yr old comes in from school, I ask her again about her hair... this time it is noticeably shorter... she starts crying and tells me dad's NEIGHBOR cut her hair and she didn't tell me cuz she was afraid she would get in trouble! Oh, my yes, she is in trouble... but for lying!!!!!
Not only did the neighbor cut her hair, she also COLORED her hair (added blonde highlights), gave her a complete makeover (including makeup) and did her nails. My daughter is 9. I don't want her to wear makeup, or nail polish! And I definately don't want her hair cut OR colored!!!!!!!!!!!

I am steaming!

Teenboy thinks his father walks on water (well, yeah, sh!t does float sometimes) ... my 9 yr old is wearing makeup and has her hair colored! AND dad made Lauren cry because he's an ass

And one last thing... my 11 yr old son was nervous yesterday... he couldn't sit still (he always sits still when he's watching TV)... so I asked him what was troubling him...
GET THIS... his father told him that he MIGHT have cancer, since it runs in the family! NOW my 11 yr old is scared that he is going to get cancer (like Lauren)

Short of stopping all visitation (which I can't do) I don't know what to do.

My hubby is ready to kick dad's ass up between his shoulders. He has to stand in line behind me tho!

Help!!!!

Lauren's email to her dad... and his reply 11/05/02

Ready? This is what she sent him (and she got a reply already)

This is from Lauren:
I want you to know that this is from me, and no one else!
Tonight, Sunday (11/3) When Andy, Steven and Summer came home from your house Andy and Steven told me that you were going to take all my stuff and throw it away because “I’m not coming over there ever again”

I’m pissed. I don’t know why you treat me this way. If you want to say things about me, you need to tell me, not them (Andy, Steven and Summer)

Don’t you understand that I can’t walk? How can I get up your steps to get into your house? And don’t say that you can help me up the steps, because you cant even carry your toolbox – because if you could then Andy wouldn’t have broken teeth from carrying it for you.

Why do you have to be so mean to me? It’s not fair! It’s not my fault that I’m sick. Why do you want to make me feel bad because I can’t walk up your steps?

I am really mad!!!!

I want you to stop sharing your financial business with Andy. I’m tired of all the lies you tell. And I want you to stop whining. You know that my life is 100 times more awful than yours, and I don’t whine about how sick I am. I want you to stop telling people that you can’t see me. You can see me anytime you want. But I thought you wanted me to get better first. Mom is not keeping me a prisoner. I can’t walk!

I don’t understand how you can afford to spend your money on all the other things you spend your money on, but you don’t bother to even get me a birthday present.

And I’m hurt that Linda gave everyone money for halloween but ignored me. And I’m mad that you told Steven you might have cancer when you don’t. Why do you have to try to scare people?

You need to get over yourself.

I expect you to answer in e-mail

Now... dad's reply:

Doodle, I miss you, and with no communication I get the feeling you will never be allowed to come here again. I here you are doing fine, except for the walking. You seem to forget I went through the same learnkng to walk thing myself, I know what it is like. I would do anything to see you and help you come here to visit. I can make things happen. You mean more to me than anything, and it hurts having no contact with you.
I did tell the kids I was going to pack youir clothing and send it home with them. I honestly don't believe they are going to let me see you, and are doing whatever they can to keep you away from me. That's just how I feel. Without any communication, I can only go on feelings.
Financially, I don't know what you are talking about. I was given $250.00 from Sue, to help toward getting
Andy's teeth fixed, but I sent $200.oo to the court for some of youir medical expences, and used the other for gas and food. There is no other money, I just want to have a few special things for the kids to eat over the weekend, thats all.
As for Linda, she has an envelope for you too, she gave it to me, but it never made it home to you. I can't believe you would have thought she would forget you. You mean a lot to her as well. She can't wait to see you too. It seems thats all we ever talk about, how is Lauren? duh! don't know!!
As for cancer, I had a physical two weeks ago, job related, they noticed something then asked for an x-ray which showed a rather large growth on the left side..what it is, who knows, it just shows large and black. With all that has happened to you, it is only a guess.
You can't believe Andy, I don't even talk to him much, I don't know where he gets his ideas. I put away financial records, and anything that he should not see. Maybe lock everything in the safe.
I need to see you! you are my heart and sole, my everything. There is noibody in the world I would rather see or spend time with than you. If I have to wait until you can walk, so be it, I'll just have to except it, however long it takes.
Don't be mad! you have no idea how tough life is. I apply for at least 25 jobs a week, on-line, faxing and in person, and nothing. I scrape whatever money I can together just to survive. I get a little extra, I use it for the kids on the weekend how wrong is that?
Please exercise, do whatever you can to get walking strength. You can do it, I know you can. I need you Doodle, and please communicate, let me know what's going on. I don't like being kept in the dark.
We will be doing another hospital concert next Sunday, for the kids. I will say HI to all of your nurces, they always want to know how you are doing.

Talk again soon, but lets be happy......................Daddy

I need to hurt someone! She's so pissed she won't even reply!

Oprah & Lauren - what really happened 11/12/02

It's been a busy few days here at my house. First of all, I had to CLEAN my house... that lasted until the kids came rolling in and messed it right back up again... so I spent the better part of last week picking things up and putting them away, never to be found again

It was a secret to Lauren - anything concerning Oprah or the interview, or anything else for that matter... lots of hush hush phone conversations so she wouldn't know

Oprah did NOT come (no suprise there)

Let me explain all about this whole Oprah thing. Since I don't watch O (she is on opposite of Judge Judy), I didn't know anything about this.

One of the wonderful ladies here (I don't know if she wants her name mentioned or not... ) saw a segment on Oprah about "Queen for a Day"... what this is... a college student started this thingy... where she was/is a former beauty queen, and she goes around to the hospitals and does makeovers for pre-teen/teen girls who's appearance has been changed due to illness (in Lauren's case, the cancer/chemo causing her hair loss) and fusses over them and makes them feel beautiful (if only for that one day). Oprah underwrites this "mission"

So the wonderful lady here called/wrote ~ whatever ~ on Lauren's behalf, and worked her magic to get this lady to come to Detroit and make Lauren a Queen for a Day

The Oprah show taped this to use on a future show (a follow up to the original story) It is my understanding that Lauren will be invited to Chicago to be in the audience when this is taped.

It was so nice... the young woman who did this was so sweet. Unfortunately, Lauren wasn't feeling her best, and wasn't the most enthusiastic participant, but she sure did enjoy the makeover. And she got a manicure!
She was given flowers, a feather boa (my 9 yr old bimbo was really jealous of THAT), long white gloves to wear, a sash that said QUEEN FOR A DAY and a TIERRA to keep. There was lots of picture taking ...

So basically, that's about it! It was a real ego booster for Lauren (she's been feeling pretty miserable about the way she looks lately... altho I think she's a cutie )

I expect they will follow this up at a later time... I explained to the Oprah Show that Lauren missed her class trip last year to Chicago cuz of this illness... and they seemed really geeked about that... what that means I do not know.

ummmm... that's about the whole story, except to say that I DID remember to comb my hair, but the majority of the camera time was on Lauren and the young woman who runs this thing.

One last thing... one of the questions that we were asked (and I was asked well in advance of them coming)... what is Lauren's favorite TV show? Lauren and I should have compared answers cuz we came up with different ones so they shot that part 3 times... since they weren't certain if the producers had been in contact with Lauren's favorite TV show or not yet... what that means, I have no idea... but maybe she'll get a walk on?

I just got another call from Oprah 11/13/02

Ok... not Oprah herself, but her show people...

Remember how I said they asked what Lauren's favorite TV show was? I had told them she really enjoys Everybody Loves Raymond.

Well... they contacted the people at the Ray show... and ... OMG... are you ready for this?

They wanted Lauren (and mommy) to come to California today (like now) to watch a taping of the show tomorrow

Do you know how it broke my heart to have to say no? There was/is just no way I could do something like that on such short notice...

But she says that the cast and crew were touched by Lauren's story and are planning something special for her... but it's a secret and she's not certain of what they had in mind... but as soon as she knew, I'd know... since I'm so good at keeping secrets

I have to say... I'm amazed at the attention Lauren's story has generated, and a little embarrassed at the attention she is getting... thrilled that she's getting attention to brighten her days but still a little in awe I guess.

I'm gonna go and pick myself up off the floor again

Lauren - Oprah - and ME 11/17/02

Here's what I know as of right now...

We (me and Lauren) will be arriving in Chicago on Tuesday... THIS Tuesday ... for the Wednesday morning taping of the Oprah Show

More details as they become available

OMG... The O show just called... again 11/18/02

Holy Smokes

Got the info for Oprah...

We are flying into Chicago tomorrow... and a driver will be waiting for us (at the baggage area) holding a sign with MY name on it just like in the movies... a limo will take us to the hotel... Ok, Oprah fans... where do guests of the Oprah show stay??? (answer: The fabulous Omni Hotel)

Then the day is free... until morning when the limo will pick us up in the morning for the Oprah taping (Wednesday)... take us to the taping... then afterwards return us to the hotel, where we will be picked up again and taken back to the airport to head home.

OMG... they are sending a LIMO

We are getting the treatment

The Oprah experience 11/21/02

I won't even touch on the rest of the trip, cuz that's a story in itself... but here's what happened on Oprah that you didn't get to see.

We (Lauren and I) got picked up at our hotel by a limo at 7:00am that morning. We were wisked to the Oprah show (where I was a touristy person doing touristy things, like taking pictures)... and escorted inside where they confiscated my camera until after the show

My purse was searched, we were metal detected... then escorted thru the security doors to the inner sanctum. We were taken to the "green room" (which really is green) where we were treated to coffee, juice, bottled water, soda, fresh fruit, pastry

They did my makeup... hair... and put a microphone on me and Lauren (they wanted to do her makeup too, but she didn't want that)... I freaked, cuz I really thought that all we were doing was watching a taping of the show... not that we would have to speak... so (for those of you wondering why we had no speaking parts... that's why... I didn't want to say anything... knew I would be fighting back tears )

I had spoken to Wendy the night before and she was telling me she couldn't get tickets and wouldn't be there... then after the show I find out that she was there... right across the aisle from me... I was soooo bummed... first cuz I thought she wasn't there.. then cuz she was there, but we had left before she got to make her presence known... I wanted to stay longer, but Lauren really was feeling pretty poorly... that's why we left early.

Anyway... during the intern segment, we were brought on to the set... where Lauren was wheeled to the front row, and someone brought me a chair, which I promptly sat down behind her... and they made me move NEXT to her.
Then they did the Lauren segment...

Here's what you didn't get to see... after the "everybody loves Lauren"... Ray did a personal message for Lauren where he invited her to L.A. to "pal around" with him, watch a taping, meet the cast personally, etc, etc, etc...
The reason it wasn't shown was because of Lauren's health (and how sickly she appeared)... and they (the Oprah people) didn't want it to look like they were being inconsiderate of Lauren or her health, and didn't want to put her "on the spot" if she felt that she would not be able to accept (which I had told them previously that she couldn't make the plane trip to L.A. at this time)... so that part was edited... there was SUPPOSE to be a whole segment on her reaction to the invite. (that's why we were wearing the microphones )

HOWEVER... the invite still stands. When we feel that Lauren is healthy enough, she is still invited to go to L.A. and see Everybody Loves Raymond... and pal around with Ray They will send me a schedule of the remaining tapings left, so when she feels good, she can go.

She also received an autographed picture of the Ray show cast, a Ray show T-shirt and hat.

We didn't know anything about the Wendy part... we missed the whole show, cuz they didn't feed the show into the greenroom to spoil the surprise for Lauren... we saw a few minutes of the after Oprah show (that Wendy was suppose to take part in... I WISH I HAD KNOWN... I would have made Lauren stay longer )

The Oprah crew was exceptionally nice. They were extremely friendly and cheerful (how can anyone be that cheerful that early in the morning?)... and very concerned and considerate of how Lauren felt.

I was sooo impressed, I might just consider watching Oprah instead of Judge Judy today... or at least taping one or the other

So that's the rest of the Oprah story that you didn't get to see.
A very very big THANK YOU to Wendy for getting the ball rolling on this whole thing and I'm so sorry that we didn't get to meet
And to Jacqui for meeting up with me at the hotel.

I was (and still am) so touched that so many people I have never met took the time to do all that they did for Lauren. And to all of you who spent your day yesterday posting about it and watching.

Answering a few more questions 11/21/02

As most of you know, I was under the assumption that the show would air when I was home, in Detroit... not when I was on a plane heading home... ooops...

And when I talked to my husband, I asked him to call my cousin who promised that SHE would contact the rest of the family and let them know...

The dad didn't know anything about it (hard for the kids to call him when he still doesn't have a phone)

Lauren felt lousy the whole time we were there (turbulence... and she didn't recover from it)... but to her credit, she was a trooper and still went on the show... I wish she had felt better and could have enjoyed the experience more

The other kids were so excited to see Lauren and Mom on TV... not just on TV, but on Oprah!!! Even teenboy emailed everyone he knew as soon as he could (either just before it aired, or right after)

AND... I finally did see the whole segment (hubby taped it for me)... and cried all over again

The Chicago experience post 11/21/02

OMG... it was sooo "out of my league"

I haven't been to the airport since the 9/11 thing happened, so I was extremely surprised at how much security there is now. I had to show my ID everywhere in the Detroit Airport ... and we passed thru ... so many security gates... the one with the "x-ray" was an experience in itself... they made me take off my coat. They took off Lauren's shoes (good thing she had clean socks on) cuz she couldn't pass thru the metal detector... anyway.. the flight was good, except for the landing.. we hit turbulence like you would not believe.. I think everyone was reaching for an airsickness bag

We had a person waiting for us, holding a sign (just like in the movies)... and a limo ride to the hotel. People kept offering to carry my bags (in Detroit, when someone takes your bags, it's called a mugging )
Anyway... we were given our room... non smoking... which was quickly changed to a smoking room... otherwise, I warned them, I would be standing outside their hotel door smoking like a chimney... they frowned upon that.

We were put in a suite ... we overlooked roofs and the magnificent miracle mile.
We had 2 TVs (complete with Nintendo hookup) and Internet service HAD we brought a laptop.

The Oprah people gave us food certificates for our meals
There was a minibar in our room (we were responsible for that)... a can of coke was $2.75
In the evening, a maid came and offered to turn down our beds
I was called by name by all the staff.. even when I called for room service... they answered the phone - "good (afternoon/evening Mz. Adkins ) how did they KNOW it was me?

There was a doorman who held open the doors for us
A limo driver who helped us into the limo (and opened and closed the doors )
Ummmmm.... I'm sure there’s more that I'm leaving out

It was a great experience... tiring, and I wouldn't do it again... but it WAS an experience to remember.

The latest on Lauren 11/29/02

I’m going to begin this with a warning. The first paragraph will be easy reading. If you feel that you can’t handle any bad news, or whatever, stop reading after the first paragraph.

Lauren is back in the hospital. She got sick en route to the Oprah show a week or so back… and unfortunately, never bounced back. My whole family had the flu at one time or another during that week, and we assumed that she had it too. It was only after so many days of her not getting better that I took her back to the hospital. She is being re-hydrated… and unfortunately, had to spend Thanksgiving in the hospital. As soon as they can get her “flu like symptoms” under control, she should be released.

Now… for those of you that don’t want to read on … STOP HERE!!!!! Those of you who want the whole story… grab some tissues and read on.

Lauren had seen her doctor a couple weeks back for a check up. He was pleased at her progress… (all prior to her Oprah thingy)… and that she was maintaining her weight. She had begun physical therapy, and was responding to that great. She had color, a pretty good disposition, and was looking forward to finally putting all this behind her.
The doctor had set up an appointment for her with the surgeon to possibly remove the tumor (which had shrunk thanks to radiation). Her counts were way up (blood counts) and the doctor was very optimistic. She also had a new CTscan so the surgeon could see if there were any changes.
She was extra excited because the 2 Pam’s (GracieBelle & Going Nuts) were going to mate their doggies… and Lauren was going to get a puppy (compliments of the Pam’s).
Then the Oprah thing happened. OMG… she was soooo excited (and nervous)… and on the trip, she got sick (but like a trooper still did the Oprah thing)

Fast forward to her being readmitted back to the hospital. She was dehydrated and they began pumping her full of fluids… the color returned to her face, and she immediately began to feel better. Her doctor had planned to keep her only 24 hours if she continued to improve. He also wanted us to meet with the surgeon to still discuss her surgery option.

The surgeon was/is an asshole. He wasted 2 hours of my life that I will never get back. He was totally unprepared to meet with us, and had to contact the doctor to find out why we were there. He (at that time) looked at her latest CTscan. Surgeons have NO bedside manner… and told us that the cancer had metastasized into her lungs. We had no idea what that meant… so he said “removing the tumor will not change the course of her life” and he walked out. Our jaws were still on the floor. (this was Tuesday)

We (we being me and my husband) went back to the hospital to see Lauren and talk with her doctor. Unfortunately, the doctor was unable to meet with us before we HAD to get home (kids coming in from school)… but he did call. He spoke to my hubby, who relayed to me the “highlights” of what he said. It is NOT good news.

We met with him on Wednesday (the day before Thanksgiving) and he spelled it out. The cancer has spread. It is NOT curable. There is nothing more that can be done, short of experimental drugs, which could possibly prolong her life for a few extra weeks, but will have terrible side effects. (if there was a side effect to any drug, Lauren reacted to it, and badly).

ARE YOU STILL WITH ME? THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO STOP READING!!!!!!

Here’s where it gets really bad. Lauren has weeks to live. Not months, weeks. She will steadily get worse. And there is no chance of remission.

We are bringing her home to die… (Hospice has been notified). The doctor feels that Lauren has the right to know. How do you tell your child that she is going to die in a few weeks? How do you tell her siblings that their sister is going to die? This is what we will be doing this weekend. Telling Lauren first, then the other kids.

This is not the natural order of things. Children are NOT suppose to die before their parents!

We are now going to have to go thru the process of arranging/planning her funeral. I have never ever arranged a funeral, and have no idea how to go about it. I don’t know how much a funeral costs… and haven’t quite figured out how I’m going to pay for one… but hopefully, someone will steer me in the right direction.

Please, don’t tell me you’re sorry… I know you are. Don’t feel that you even have to reply to this post. I know you care. If you have something constructive to help… such as how do I tell my children or how do I arrange a funeral… that would be most welcome.

Some of you have read what a bunch of creeps my family has been towards me, towards my husband, and towards my kids. And now I have the task of telling them too!
Oh, and lets not forget dad. I get to tell him. I’m thinking an email with the news, and the doctor’s phone number. That way he can get the info directly from the doctor, and I don’t have to talk with him (of course, if he had a phone… nahhh… I still wouldn’t call.) I’m sure my family will jump at the chance to offer their support
And since it’s been a battle to even get to cough up his half of Lauren’s hospital bills, I know there will be no way he will offer to help pay for half the funeral. But I also know he will be there moaning and whining and wanting it to be all about him.

One last request. Please don’t avoid me, or feel that you can’t ask how we are all doing. Don’t think you might say the wrong thing, so it’s easier not to say anything. If for whatever reason I’m not comfortable telling you what’s going on, I’ll tell ya. And please, don’t feel you have to be sad around me. I’m still who I am, and who I’ve always been. I’ll still call ‘em like I see ‘em (just maybe not as often right now)

Another day... 12/03/02

Lauren has not come home yet, but is scheduled for release in the morning (Wednesday). She still hasn't been told. We (hubby and myself) have decided the best way to do it is at home surrounded by love and caring. (Contrary to what the social worker at the hospital thinks... she thinks we should tell her NOW... while she's in the hospital... uh, no... don't think so... but she's pushing... and I'm pushing back)

Monday we made funeral arrangements. It seems that every time we mention Lauren, her age and her diagnosis, people tear up
I've spent the last two days at the hospital... altho Lauren had no idea I was even there. She is so drugged up she's incoherant, and fades in and out of reality (oh yes, this WOULD be the time to tell her what the fates have in store for her... stupid social worker)
I have yelled, cursed, cried, stomped my feet, and possibly made at least one doctor rethink his career choice with my tantrum, but they were wrong and I was right, and no matter how many times someone told me "I understand"... I would calmly asked how many of their 13 yr old daughters they made funeral arrangements for... and they quickly hang their heads in shame (as they should)

We told the kids tonight. They KNEW something was up, but of course, no one ever thought it would be THIS.
My oldest (24) became angry (unfortunately, hubby was the one to tell him as I was detained at the hospital). But, as heartbroken as my oldest was, he came back to support the other kids when they were told.
My 14 yr old took it hard... it broke my heart to watch his heart break. My 11 yr old... he just shrugged it off... And the bimbo (9) has not stopped crying since she heard.

Tomorrow, barring any complications, Lauren will come home, and will be told.

The one thing that was common for all the kids... they wondered and worried... how will "dad" react. They were worried that won't have a chance to say goodbye to Lauren (I told them that he would)... the 14 yr old worried that will be devastated... (I tried really hard to explain that it wasn't his job to make sure that the adults were dealing with their grief... he has his own to work thru).

So... this is where we are at right now. My 14 yr old has gone home with his older brother for the night (they are very close)... my bimbo is crying herself to sleep, and the 11 yr old is his own normal self.

~News about Lauren~ posted 12/05 10:21:37 am
I just got off the phone with Kathy and it it with deep sympathy and regret that I'm letting you all know on her behalf that Lauren has passed away.

They were never able to tell her that she might and she died peacefully in her sleep.

Please keep your thoughts and prayers with the family through this time.

God bless them

Lauren's final arrangements ~~ posted 12/06/02

For those of you who wanted to know... here is the final arrangements for Lauren.

Wm. Sullivan & Son
705 West Eleven Mile Road
Royal Oak, MI 48067
248-541-7000

Visitation is Saturday (12/7) from 1:00pm to 9:00pm
Funeral is Sunday (12/8) at 2:00pm at the funeral home

Anyone who wants to attend is welcome.

My heartfelt THANKS 12/13/02

I would like to say thank you.

Thank you for sharing in my tears whenever things went wrong, and in my joy whenever things would go right.

Thank you for the cards, emails, and gifts that you sent to Lauren to brighten her day.

Thank you for your many kind thoughts, encouraging words, and prayers during this difficult time.

Thank you for keeping me sane during these long months.

Thank you for making me laugh even when I wanted to cry.

Thank you for the cards, emails, phone calls, letters, private messages, etc., letting me know you were thinking of me and my family.

Thank you for sharing in my outrage whenever dad would do something stupid - which was way to often!

Thank you for your excitement when Lauren appeared on Oprah

Thank you for all the things you did for Lauren (and me) without being asked.

Thank you for loving Lauren and sharing her with your family and friends.

Thank you for being “there” for me when I needed you the most!

You are all truly angel’s and I will be forever in your debt.

Who have I pissed off today? 12/30/02

It seems I have a knack for pissing people off... even when I'm not trying...or should that be ESPECIALLY when I'm not trying

My family has been pissed at me since I divorced “dad” ... they have not accepted my current hubby, altho it's THEIR loss, since he's wonderful. (even the kids think he's wonderful - so they do have some good sense about them )

I have NOT been invited to ANY family gatherings... dad has, but not me...

But here's the latest in what I "intentionally" did to piss off someone:

When Lauren died, we decided at the very LAST minute to have her obit put into the paper. WE (me and hubby) made ALL of her funeral arrangements ... we included dad in the obit (altho he has yet to cough up a dime towards her expenses)... and, now I’m told that I INTENTIONALLY snubbed my parents and my brothers by leaving their names off of the obit!

I have never written an obit in my life, I've never made funeral arrangements before, and I have never had a child die on me before, but I INTENTIONALLY snubbed the family?????

Where were they when all this was going on? Did ANY of them offer their assistance in the planning? Oh, no, but I INTENTIONALLY snubbed them... just to piss them off!??

I miss my daughter 01/06/03

It’s been a month since Lauren passed away. Someone told me it would get easier… I’m not sure when that is going to happen

We got thru the Christmas holiday. Kids packed up and went to dad’s house the Friday before Christmas… I insisted they be home for Christmas morning… so they came home Christmas eve, and woke up here Christmas morning. It was a sobering event. No tree (remember I took it down in a tantrum). There were gifts to open, and I did video tape the whole thing… or most of it. Then the kids packed their gear and went to dad’s house once more until yesterday, when they finally came home. (I got used to the peace and quiet )

The hard things were done while they were gone. I managed to pay off Lauren’s funeral (with no help from dad)… ordered a headstone … my hubby insisted that the headstone have a picture etched into it … so another trip to the cemetery to drop off a picture … then still one more trip to approve the design. Of course, we had to visit her grave

While the kids were gone, I decided it was time to start getting rid of the things in her room. Her younger sister and her shared a room… I don’t know if it was disturbing to the younger one to have the reminders of what is gone so prevalent … so I started small. I emptied her dresser drawers out and boxed up her clothes (hubby offered to do it, but for some reason, I felt that I needed to do it)… that was hard… as I pulled out each article of clothing, I could see her wearing it So that’s done and gone (gave it to the Salvation Army… figured they could make good use of it)… of course there were something’s I just couldn’t part with… her favorite sweatshirt, a pair of toe socks… the girl loved toe socks.

I swear, sometimes I would walk past the bedroom, and see her laying in her bed …. Hear her call out MOM… then realize that my imagination was getting the best of me.

Soooooo.. I tackled her bed… stripped the bedding, put ALL of her stuffed animals in bags and they went up to the attic until I figure out exactly what to do with them (except her favorites.. they got boxed up .. I can’t see ever getting rid of them).
What was her bed is now a mattress with a spread over it (no sheets)… soon the baby will move into that room and share with the now oldest girl, and take over THAT bed.

Sometimes I envy the “Beginning Again” ladies. They can erase all traces of what is no more. You can’t do that when someone dies, especially a child… you simply can’t let them disappear completely. Her photo’s are still hanging on the wall… some of her “treasures”’ are still in the bedroom adorning the shelves they’ve always sat upon. The other kids have taken what they wanted to keep of hers… so what’s now left is just girlie things that she and her sister shared.

I miss her so much!!!!!!!!!!

6/4/2003
WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS WITHOUT A TISSUE HANDY!!!

As most of you know, Sunday would have been Lauren’s 14th birthday. We spend a somber afternoon at her gravesite. It had rained here (and was cold too) on Saturday… and my oldest (the good looking one) had made mention that her headstone was completely underwater on Saturday *sigh*

Sunday was a beautiful day… sun was shining, birds were singing… flowers were blooming… so we trekked out to the cemetery to “visit”. The rain from the previous day had muddied over her headstone, and the younger two kids decided to clean it off … with spitting on their fingers and rubbing… fortunately I am always prepared for the worst, and had napkins in the car… so the little monsters… ummmm.. children used the napkins to polish up her headstone. We placed a flower arrangement on her grave, cried for a while… then quietly went home. Sunday was a tough day for all of us.

Tuesday, the middle school that she attended held a special memorial service for her. Her 8th grade class bought a tree to plant in her memory on the school grounds.
As the principal was giving her speech, she made mention that the students raised the money to buy the tree, and in honor of Lauren, it was a 13 yr old red maple tree.
Her best friend spoke completely composed, reminisced about Lauren’s birthday’s that she has shared with her. She spoke of their friendship, and how much she would miss her. I was so impressed (as I wiped away the tears) that she had managed to go thru the whole speech without tearing up.
The next young lady stepped up to the microphone to speak, and as soon as she opened her mouth, she fell completely apart, and sobbed quietly into the microphone.
The next young lady stepped up to speak, was holding back her tears, and said “I promised myself I would NOT cry”… then proceeded to sob … along with everyone else.

My hubby and I were standing back, off to the side … and one by one the class came by and hugged us, crying quietly.

They planted the tree… and each member of her class threw in a handful/shovel full of dirt. We were asked if we wanted to … we politely declined.

They passed out balloons… 13 of them… all with messages written on them to Lauren … then released them into the air.

The principal gave me an envelope of Lauren’s writing portfolio from 6th and 7th grade (since she had not attended school for her 8th grade year)… and a video of a speech Lauren had made for her English class in February of 2002 (2 months before her diagnosis).

When we went back into the school (we were the last to enter) the hall was filled with her classmates, sitting on the floor, the benches, or just standing around, some hugging one another, but all of them sobbing quietly.

I am completely amazed at how many lives she touched in her young and short life.

June 1, 2005

Today would be Lauren's 16th birthday. Every year on her birthday we (the family) visit her gravesite and leave some sort of memorial... usually flowers... This is our way of wishing her a happy birthday.
I often wonder what she would be like now. I know that she would be excited about turning 16... getting her drivers license, boys, being involved in school activites... maybe even getting her first real job...
I grieve over what she would be doing... what she will never have the opportunity to do. I know that she would be a wonderful young lady... as she was always a wonderful caring person...
Someday I will ask God ... WHY? And I know that His answer will make perfect sense... I only wish I had the answer now... and could make some sense of why... why did she have to suffer? Why did she have to die? I am still truly grateful for the time I had with her, and would not have skipped a moment of her life... even to spare myself the pain of losing her... she was and continues to be a great inspiration to me, her family and those who's lives she has touched.

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